Monster and the Gopher

I’m in a dream, I’m floating, wait, do you need to pee in your dreams? I decide to be awake. I open my eyes. Two things are immediately apparent. I am floating and I really need to pee. I don’t generally worry overmuch about human rules but, if you pee in a hallway or room it smells. That confuses my tracking and makes my Sisters mad. I move around, I can move easily but I’m still in the air. I try to swim. Not working. Using all my senses I try to identify where I am. I’m out of the keep. One problem solved. It’s easier to think with an empty bladder. I seem to be headed somewhere. Well, who/whatever wants a Monster, a Monster they shall receive. Let’s see how much they like it. There’s not much to see and less to do so I occupy my time grooming. Duchess and Majesty insist on proper grooming. I don’t get proper but understand grooming. I also sharpen claws and fangs. Handy tools easily cleaned and at the ready. K, bored. Nap time.


Rustling and a bump. I’m up and at the ready for battle. Not much to battle. Sneakers. This should prove to be interesting. Sneakers are just that. Sneakers. They’re just about the size of mice. Perfectly round and hard to see. Sneaky. Generally they don’t do much. Move small shiny things around and cause things not to be where they’re supposed to be. Harmless. “I am King Kutchingo. You are our prisoner and slave!!! This little creature puffs up and scurries over towards me. “Really? I’m your slave? Prisoner? For how long do you think you can keep up your magics? How long till I escape and eat you all?” The little fluff ball stops and as awareness dawns on him he begins to tremble? “I’ll make you a deal, you let me go and I’ll go away and you can try this silliness on someone else.” I don’t want to eat them. Too small. Between fur and bone too much work for too little return. “You wouldn’t get a chance. We are now in a position to take over the world!!! We have the power!! We have the chest!!! We are now supreme beings!!!” They’re so cute. Like a pretend show I saw once. Two mice trying to take over the world. Funny. I like funny. I spy the area around me. We’re in a corpse of trees, dense brush and s small circle of light. Just at the end of this pool of light I see the chest. It’s being guarded by about a dozen. I can move freely and think. What would a Monster do… I leap forward grabbing the chez and hit the tree at full speed. Changing directions and going vertical I move with all my speed and the grace of a charging rhino. A chest!!! Mine!!! Oooooh!!! Shiny!!! I like shiny things.


I have a chest, I am the best!! What to do with my new treasure… I decide to be a pirate Monster. Yeah. I’m a pirate. What do pirates do. They hide things. Hide the chest. I’m so smart. I identify my position in relation to the keep. Do pirates have keeps? Yes. Yes they do. So, hide the chest in the keep. My genius never fails to amaze me. I head to the keep and leap over the wall and descend into the main courtyard. The Sisters have been busy. Flowers, a bizillion of them. Pretty… That’s the ticket. Hide my shiny under the pretty!!! I dig, twisting and turning under the pretties I find the perfect spot. I hide it perfectly under the big rock. It’s hidden. I retrace my path under the pretties and emerge. Things look a little jumbled. Still pretty. No one will notice. Time for food.


I make my way to the kitchen by smell. Bacon, chicken berries and those round, flat tasty frisbee things. I dig in. My other Princess Gwen,(I think) comes in. Seeing me she grins and comes over for a hug. I resist the urge to nibble, (she’s tasty too) “you’re in big trouble with Majesty. She’s most vexed with you Monster. You are such a handful. Did you see the garden? The three of us worked all week to get it like that. I think it could make the cover of better Keeps and Castles.” Her pride is evident. I smile and hand her bacon. Bacon is good. “Not with your claws, use a serving fork. You need a bath, you have so much dirt on you. You look like you’ve been digging in the garde…” Suddenly she stops with a bacon strip half way to her mouth. She gets up and starts to the hall leading to the courtyard. “Monster, come.” She sounds tense. I grab s bunch of bacon and follow willingly. Gwen is nice. We start to the courtyard. I suggest we pack some food and make it a picnic. It’s s good idea. She agrees still looking apprehensive. As we pack some food Duchess arrives hurriedly. “Hi Gwen, Monster.” More hugs. “Gwen, I think it would be best if we eat in here and then send Monster for a bath.” Gwen lowers her head and starts counting. In Arabic, backwards from a hundred. “That bad?” Her look is hard to read. “No, not too bad. Just jumbled a bit. Like a giant gopher had its way.” She’s grinning. “Giant gopher? Where? I’ll take care of him.” I’m ready to get the gopher.


“Leave the gopher Monster.” Duchess is smiling. She has a nice smile. Uses it often to great effect. “Gwen, it’s not too bad, looks like the flowers decided to go for a walk and remembered that they couldn’t one step too late.” This time both laugh in a harmonious song of happiness. I’m home. “Should I go get the gopher? I’ll take care of it. Monsters got the knack for that.” Both laugh harder. Strange creatures. They see a mouse and its. “Get that thing out of here!!!” Yet a giant gopher in the flowers don’t concern them. Kookified things. “Don’t worry about the gopher, it’s gone,” Just then Majesty appeared in all her splendour. She’s an incredible creature.

The Reaper  by Alexander Butler
The Reaper
by Alexander Butler

I’m glad her friend Scythe isn’t with her, kinda disappointed too, I’m feeling frisky. I decide half way through my leap to greet her in an exuberant fashion. “My Princess!!! Hi I love you.” I grab hold of her and take her for a quick tour of the ceiling, “this is up.” We drop to the floor. “This is down.” I’m showing off my knowledge of the keep again. She encourages me broadening my mind. “Wanna go play?” I know my eyes are alight. All three of my Princesses are squinting and shielding their eyes. “Come on, I hear there’s a giant gopher outside. We can find supper.”


“Monster, please forget the gopher. We want to talk about chests.” Majesty’s voice is quiet, gentle and almost sexy. I look just South Of my three Princesses necks. This is too easy. I’ve never really looked at them that way but with the invitation made I can’t resist. “NOT THOSE!!!” Duchess’s face turns colours. Majesty is covering her face with her hand and Gwen is counting backwards from a thousand… In Cantonese. My lovely, strange Princesses are so confusing. What other chests are around? They just make no sense whatsoever.


“Monster, settle down. We need you to relax and think” Duchess’s calm, soothing voice is silky.”I am thinking! I’m thinking about chests. You started it!!” I know I’m correct. I replay all the words. They did start it. Kookified females. As if on cue all three cover up their chests. Now what? First it’s think about chests then it’s hide them. Can’t they make up their minds? Maybe I should go find that gopher.


“You are so impossible! Monster forget about everything, wait. No, forget about our chests. Think about boxes… Oh boy, not boxes. Think about… Wooden boxes with metal bands and locks.” Gwen looks flustered and more than a little apprehensive . “Do I have to? Chests, boxes. That sounds like more fun.” All three bark laughter and snort in unison. They’re getting flustered. I just don’t get them. Think, don’t think. Why not just do. Doing is easier than all this.


“Would you like some cookies?” Duchess asks. Cookies are one of the best things about the physical realm. Next to chests and boxes. Like chests and boxes cookies come in a billion different ways. Eatable, playable and tons of fun. Getting cookies are relatively easy too. Just sneak up on the jar and pounce. That was until the jar started hiding. I think Sneaks had something to do with that. I wish I would have thought about that when I met those other Sneaks. I could have avenged my cookieless existence. Next time. Yeah.


I make up my mind that if I’m going to get cookies I had better do something nice. Get the gopher!!! It has obviously penetrated the keeps defences. Can’t have that. I sneak away when my girls turn away,( me throwing that steel ball into the hall may have helped) I make my way to the courtyard and plan out my strategy. Find the gopher and attack. That’s a good plan. Simple and straightforward. It’ll work. I leap out into the courtyard looking as I leap. Where’s the gopher? Hmmmm… Hiding. Gophers like to do that. K, two can play at that game. I create a depression and go still and dim. I wait. And wait, and wait. My Princesses are to-ing and fro-ing. Calling. Silly things. The gopher won’t come out with all that noise. Time for a new plan… Drown him out!!! He’s obviously made tunnels and is hiding underground. Being a big gopher I’m going to need lots of water. The water tower has lots of water. A half million gallons ought to do it. Ow to find a way to get the water from the tower here. A hole in the side of the tower will create a stream of water… Thinking time is over. Where’s my axe?

the_twisted_path_group_monsterIn retrospect I may have miscalculated. Maybe I should have done some calculations. My Princesses are not looking very happy. The flowers are not happy Big Cat is pissed right off and still no gopher!!! Well there’s still more water coming and I still have a chance.


I don’t think I’m going to get any cookies. The wall of water that passed through the keep might have something to do with that. On the positive side, the drainage system works marvellously. My girls are wondering how the water tower broke. Saying nothing isn’t lying. I just give them big eyes and flop on my back. Poor Gwen has been counting from in the millions in a whole new language. Majesty is looking around with a stunned gaze. Duchess just looks at me with something that’s a cross between amusement and the, ” you’re so dead.” Look. I think she’s suspicious.


Where is that fucking gopher?

Majesty is coming out of her daze. She walks as regally as she can under the circumstances. It must be tough in all the mud and debris to manage that. “Monster, we were talking about my-the wooden chest. The one clad in metal with the lock. Do you remember that one? The one you grabbed from me while you were playing.” She looks calm. Dripping wet, but calm. “You want to play? I’ll play!!!” I’m so happy. Majesty is a lot of fun when she’s playing. Like the time the Dragon got out of its cage in the library. A small fire breather. I was chasing it around and she was chasing both of us with a red bottle that shot out not fire, you should have seen her!! “Monster… “She looks dizzy. I walk over and give her a hug, she likes hugs. “You are so impossible. What are we going to do with you?” I recommend cookies, hugs and promiscuous double jointed Blondes!! That’ll help!!” My genius never fails to astound me. I’m sitting there holding Majesty being so smart.


Majesty is looking a lot happier now. I’m betting she has a plan, (something nefarious no doubt) “Monster, you took a chest from me. I’d really like to get it back. Can you help me?” Using soft voice and fluttering eyes. Something is definitely up. I think very quickly. “What does it look like?” I make a plan. She’s on a get the Monster thing. I’ll get the Majesty. I’m so smart. “I have its twin in the library. Come with me.” She turns and does that hourglass walk that hypnotized so many others. It’s hard not to look but, I only sneak peeks. I’m so smart. We walk into the library and she walks to a book casein the North wall. Pulls two books, reaches in and does something else. The shelf clicks and opens. Inside is a chest. I leap forward, grab the chest and make a break for it. “MONSTER!!!!!” I leap away laughing.At the speed of sound I find another spot to hide. I forgot how much fun it is to play with my sisters.



The Monster



Raw Screenshot from The Orphan Killer 2 Bound x Blood Photo by Matt Farnsworth, Creator Releasing 2015  ©™ Full Fathom 5 Productions LLC
Raw Screenshot from The Orphan Killer 2 Bound x Blood
Photo by Matt Farnsworth, Creator
Releasing 2015
©™ Full Fathom 5 Productions LLC

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“The characters Marcus Miller, and Babysister are owned by  Matt Farnsworth”
©™ Full Fathom 5 Productions LLC
Full Fathom 5 Productions LLC All Rights Reserved


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